


the clock doesn't stop for anyone

by connorsmarkus (nnivanfields)



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Blood, Character Death, Graphic depiction of death, M/M, Sad Ending, Terminal Illnesses, Vague Sex, Vomiting, lots of flashbacks, this is not a happy work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-09
Updated: 2020-01-09
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:54:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22181386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nnivanfields/pseuds/connorsmarkus
Summary: Their shared lives had so much potential. They still do. But a timestamp on one's life is a cruel, cruel thing.
Relationships: Connor/Markus (Detroit: Become Human)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 45





	the clock doesn't stop for anyone

**Author's Note:**

> just in case you missed the tags/warnings: THIS FIC FEATURES MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH.
> 
> this is NOT a happy work, guys. this fic features graphic depictions of the dying process as well as some of the medical stuff involved. there's no magical turnaround with a happy ending. it was a sadfic when it was requested and it ends a sadfic. please heed this warning before you read!
> 
> also if blood/vomit are things you can't handle, you've been warned as well.
> 
> all that said, this fic was sort of requested from my headcanons blog on tumblr, rk1kheadcanons. someone had sent in an ask about connor having a terminal illness and i'd hinted that i may elaborate if someone wants, and then someone called my bluff. i hadn't imagined in my wildest dreams it would turn into 13k words of pure angst, but here we are. in any case, to those of you who do read it, i hope you like it!

_“That movie was trashy, Markus!” Connor’s laugh reminds Markus of popping popcorn, and his heart flutters at the sound, almost in tune with the laughter itself. “I can’t believe you’re telling me right now that you liked it!”_

_“Yeah, well,” Markus replies around his own laughter, “I did. What can I say—I’m a hopeless romantic. I like the cheesy stuff.”_

_“That’s an understatement.” Connor’s laughter dies down as he relaxes in the passenger’s seat. They’re driving back from having gone and seen a movie at the theater. The reviews hadn’t been great, but Connor had asked Markus to go with him as a date, probably knowing that Markus was going to enjoy the film. It was obvious he had, and that Connor hadn’t. Despite all of that though, Markus gets to see Connor’s expression soften out of the corner of his own eye as he turns his gaze to Markus, his head resting lazily against the headrest. “But I’m glad you went with me. Seeing your reactions to the movie was plenty entertaining for me.”_

_Markus scoffs softly. “I can’t tell if you’re picking on me or not.”_

_He hears the sound of Connor’s body shifting as he shrugs against the seat. “A little. But I invited you, so I won’t complain too much.”_

_The car falls silent there, before Connor clears his throat once more and speaks up. “I like you, Markus.”_

_Markus glances fully at Connor there, having been given the chance to as they’d stopped at a red light. He just smiles, before Connor keeps speaking._

_“And not just in the way that friends like each other. I know we’ve basically been beating around the bush with this for a long time now, but I like you a lot. Like in the way that I’d like to go on dates with you, see cheesy movies that don’t make sense with you, hold hands over the table at a restaurant with you like they do in said cheesy movies…” He laughs nervously there, peering over at Markus. “Please tell me you understand what I’m saying.”_

_Markus probably nods a little too quickly in response. “No…I get it. And you know I feel the same.” The thing is, they’ve had way too many close calls. Late-night gaming sessions turned snuggling sessions wherein it had taken everything Markus had had in him not to kiss Connor’s sleeping form on the forehead or lace their hands together. The time when Connor had climbed into his lap when they had been wrestling and kept moving in just the right way that pushed all the right buttons and he’d had to frantically explain that he was getting turned on and needed Connor to stop. The list goes on and on._

_The point is, the feeling is mutual, and Markus knows Connor knows it._

_“Does that mean I get to take you where I want on our second date?” Connor manages to tease. The dynamic has always been easy between them, even when the subject matter has been tougher. This situation is no different. “As your boyfriend?”_

_Wow…hearing that word, just having it brought out into the open and spelled out so boldly…Markus is more nervous than he’s been in a long time. Thankfully, the light turns green there and he has an excuse to turn his attention back to the road._

_“Yeah,” he manages, albeit nervously. His hands are shaking a little. He and Connor have been best friends for years, but at the same time, he’s so scared he doesn’t know what to do with himself. “I’d like that.”_

_Markus learns in the next few moments that Connor is scared too. When he takes one of Markus’ hands away from the steering wheel and places it instead on the armrest and intertwines their fingers, Markus can feel Connor’s own fingers trembling. This brings him a strange sense of relief, and he can’t stop himself from squeezing that hand in response._

_And then, he laughs. “So you’re probably going to drag me out ice skating then, huh?”_

_“Absolutely,” Connor responds just as easily. “You will learn to skate some time before I die, Markus Manfred.”_

_\--- --- --- --- ---_

Had Markus known what he knows now, he may have entertained those words more thoroughly. He would have been ten times more willing to step out onto that ice and give Connor one of the few things he’s ever asked of him. Mind you, he did eventually go out to the ice rink with his at-the-time boyfriend, but he’d only done so a couple of times, and each time, Connor had had the time of his life.

Now that Markus is sitting in a hospital room, glancing over at his unconscious husband, he wishes he had given Connor a lot more of the things he’d asked for.

Markus has never fancied himself a selfish person. He’s always willing to help friends and family out wherever needed. He really _is_ a good person. But Connor wants for very little, and sometimes, it has been a challenge to get Markus to give him those wants.

And now, he’s not going to be able to give him any more…

Markus has a book in his lap—some fantastical story loaded to the brim with dragons and wizards that Alice had given him when she and Kara had come to visit Connor—but he can’t focus on it. He can barely remember the protagonist’s name. He tries to read, but his thoughts wander. Guilt and sadness and frustration take over, and he can’t really think.

So he sets the book aside and stands up. Moves to check that Connor’s IV tubing isn’t kinked and his fluids are running normally (a habit from caring for Carl before he died), and then strolls to the one window in Connor’s private room.

At the very least, their years together have been happy ones. Markus knows that at twenty-five, Connor is dying far before his time, but looking back, it’s been a good time. Had Markus known sooner that it was going to happen, he’d have made it the best time in the world for Connor.

Looking back, it’s kind of amusing to Markus that Connor was the one to ask him out, rather than the other way around. The two had been fumbling around with their feelings for one another long before that movie date, but Markus had always been certain it would be he himself who had crumbled and finally said something first. It had always seemed like he possessed far less self-control than Connor.

But on that night, Markus had known that he wasn’t the only one who had seen something promising in a relationship between the two of them. In retrospect, they had always been meant to be together. Markus can’t imagine a life where he and Connor hadn’t gotten together on that fateful night, or where Markus hadn’t been the one to give Connor his first time, or where they hadn’t gotten married. He’s too bitter right now to think that everything happens for a reason, because he can’t begin to imagine there’s a justified reason why Connor is dying right now, but at the same time, many of the things that have happened up until this point may have been because Markus opened his eyes.

Markus glances over at his husband from his spot near the window. Connor isn’t asleep—he’s comatose. It happened with Carl, too. There just comes a point where the body becomes unresponsive and then it’s a waiting game until the inevitable end. Markus is likely never going to get to hear him speak again.

He feels weak at that thought. His throat aches from the tears he’s already shed and his head hurts from being stuck on the situation. His body and his mind are tired, but he can’t sleep. It’s the best he can do to try and remember everything that’s happened up until now. To remember the good times.

\--- --- --- --- ---

_“You can tell me to stop any time, okay?”_

_It’s arguable that the fact that this is Connor’s first time is more important to Markus than it is to Connor, but Markus knows his boyfriend views it highly as well. Right now, though, he’s just laughing softly at Markus from his spot beneath him on the bed. He’s naked, his face a little flushed and his body gleaming with a thin sheen of sweat._

_They’re already well into it, so Markus supposes he understands why Connor is amused by that statement. He raises a hand up to touch Markus’ cheek, his lips curling into the softest smile. “You’ve said that enough already, Markus. I promise you, I’m fine.”_

_Markus has never taken someone’s virginity before. He’s not a virgin himself, but the experience of having sex with someone who hasn’t ever done it before—especially someone as important to Markus as Connor is—is surreal, and very serious to him. But at the same time, he trusts Connor as much as Connor trusts him. He knows it’s okay. He knows Connor would tell him if it got to be too much._

_Which it doesn’t. Soon after those words have been spoken, Connor’s breathing hitches and he lets spill something between a whimper and a moan, and then he’s begging Markus not to stop._

_There’s really no need for words at this point. Markus just cradles Connor into his arms as they move. Pulls his arm up underneath his boyfriend’s waist and buries a hand in his hair, while he moves to rest his forehead on Connor’s shoulder. Their bodies shift together in perfect unison, making Markus’ skin feel numb and tingly and warm all at the same time._

_He’s never really given too much thought to the concept of making love. Sex has always just been sex. But right now, with the way Connor holds onto him and the way he can’t seem to get enough of being close to Connor, he thinks that this must be what making love feels like._

_He can barely focus on the physical aspect of it. His body responds by nature, but his heart and his mind are in a completely different place. All he can think about is how much he adores Connor. How he never wants to be with anyone else in this way. How he loves him more than he can imagine ever loving anyone else. How he would gladly spend the rest of his life with Connor._

_After the fact is no different. Even with their bodies separated, they can’t keep their hands off of one another. Connor’s skin is flushed bright pink, his mouth hanging open as he works to regain his normal breathing, and Markus can’t stop running his fingers along his skin. He traces the outline of Connor’s waist, and then draws his hand up along his stomach and chest, to his shoulder. Slides a loose grip down along the length of Connor’s arm, all the way down to his hand, where he laces their fingers. Leans in and steals a kiss._

_It’s a languid, passionate kiss that speaks all the volumes that words can’t really translate into right now. It’s all deep, heavy breathing, lips finding perfect sync with one another, and the eventual press of foreheads together._

_Markus finds himself thinking that even if he were to never leave this bed from this point forward, he would be happy. So long as Connor stayed right there with him, looking him in the eyes, telling him how goofy and hopelessly romantic he is, he’d be content to live out the rest of his life right here._

_\--- --- --- --- ---_

Markus has always been the one to think more heavily about things like that, though. Connor, while he has always felt the same way, has never put so much weight on the feelings involved as Markus has. He’s always been that kind of guy, though. He lives in the moment. Enjoys things for the way they are. There’s no point in dwelling on it if it’s already there, after all.

Markus gets that mentality, but he’s never been able to possess it for himself. He’s the type of person who lies down to sleep at night and his brain starts wandering, and the next thing he knows, he’s wide awake. He’ll think about everything from that one time Carl had yelled at him for trying to save a frog from a busy street to the very first time he and Connor kissed, all the way to every little tiny thing he regrets in his entire life. It’ll spin and spin in a vicious cycle that never really ends.

Connor has stayed up with him on many of those nights, coaxing him into thinking about something else. He’s always had good stories to tell Markus about work. Being a tour guide in an aquarium, he always has plenty of interesting things that have happened to him, especially when it has something to do with the touch tank and a rowdy bunch of kindergarteners.

Markus…is going to miss those stories. He has an entire shelf of beanie babies shaped like marine animals, all because Connor learned something new about one of them and couldn’t help but bring one home to Markus. A shark, a jellyfish, and even a horseshoe crab. Markus isn’t sure how he’s going to be able to look at any of them the same again.

He sighs heavily. The doctors are giving Connor another two days at most. If he goes quickly, they’re saying it’ll be for the best. But Markus can’t help but think that even though Connor can’t respond to any of the words anyone is saying to him anymore, he wants more time with him.

He knows how selfish that sounds, and in the end, he’s going to be content with letting his husband finally rest. But at the same time, with every moment that draws them closer and closer to Connor’s passing, Markus finds he wants one more. He knows he’s not the only one. Seeing Daniel come apart upon seeing him unconscious in that hospital bed had been one of the hardest things Markus had ever watched happen.

Markus understands that mentality, too. Connor has always been pale, but his complexion is borderline gray, now. Dying isn’t the sad, pretty thing that happens in movies. A person doesn’t just lie in bed and slip away peacefully. Your body isn’t conditioned to die. It spends its entire existence trying to keep you alive. So when you’re actively dying, it’s still responding in the way it was trained to by nature. Connor is feverish as the blood migrates from his arms and his legs to his vital organs. His skin is pallid and clammy. His body convulses as his breathing becomes less and less regular.

It happened with Carl, too. And while that should have prepared Markus for what was to come with Connor, he’s not ready. Connor may look like the very embodiment of death in his current state too, but Markus still sees the man he fell in love with through all that pallor and all that discomfort and all the cords and wires and tubes he’s hooked up to.

God, he just wishes he’d seen the signs sooner.

\--- --- --- --- ---

_Connor is more irritable than usual today. Markus isn’t sure if it’s just because he’s had a bad day at work, or if he’s just still not feeling well. He went to the doctor a few days ago and he seems to be doing better, but Markus can’t tell for sure because Connor hasn’t had any desire to be close to him, let alone anyone, for the past couple of days._

_Today, however, it’s on an entirely different level. Connor is downright grouchy. Markus greets him when he comes home from work, but he says nothing as he dismisses himself to the shower. His eyes look heavier—darker underneath. It’s like he hasn’t been sleeping right. But when Markus turns over at night to look at him, he’s been out cold as per usual._

_No…something isn’t right._

_Markus allows Connor to eat in silence once he’s out of the shower, and he gives him his space while he scrolls through his phone on the couch. He makes some small talk, but Connor blows him off. Tries to kiss him, but Connor brushes him off. If not for the look of genuine exhaustion on his boyfriend’s face, Markus might think that Connor was angry at him for something._

_Maybe it’s because of work. Maybe something bad happened, and Connor is having trouble processing it. Maybe he’s not yet ready to talk about it. He and Markus have always been open with one another about the things they talk about. Connor was there when Markus lost Carl, and he’s heard everything Markus has had to say about that whole process, and Markus was there when Amanda died. They’ve been there for one another. So why Connor suddenly doesn’t want to talk to him about whatever is going on scares Markus more than he cares to admit._

_But he still sticks to his mental promise to give Connor some time. He gives him that entire evening to himself, thanks his lucky stars whenever it’s time for the two of them to go to bed, and then crawls in close to him. Slides an arm around Connor’s waist from behind._

_It’s comforting to him that Connor doesn’t pull away. In fact, he moves to rest his hand atop Markus’ and snuggles back against him._

_“Did I do something to upset you?” Markus questions against the nape of Connor’s neck._

_“No,” Connor answers blandly._

_“So what’s wrong?” Markus pushes. It’s relieving to him that Connor doesn’t pull away despite the questions. “You don’t have to talk about it, but I’m starting to worry about you.”_

_As silence follows those words, Markus feels Connor’s chest inflate as he inhales slowly, and then he feels it shrink as he exhales in a sigh. “I’m fine, Markus. Can we just go to sleep?”_

_Markus doesn’t like that answer, but he also knows better than to expect anything different. Connor hasn’t been in good spirits all day. But now that Markus thinks about it, his mood hasn’t exactly been the same since his doctor’s appointment. He hasn’t been this snappy up until today, but he still hasn’t been the same Connor Markus has known for years._

_Which makes Markus feel extremely uncomfortable. Did he learn something at this appointment that he’s afraid to tell him?_

_Connor pulls him out of his thoughts by lacing their fingers together and sighing out a tired, “I love you, Markus.” And even though those words are spoken more as a sort of peace offering for how things have gone tonight, Markus takes comfort in them anyway._

_That in mind, he presses a kiss to the back of his boyfriend’s neck and speaks out against his skin. “I love you too, babe. Goodnight.”_

\--- --- --- --- ---

“Thank you for coming out, Hank.” Markus is smiling sleepily as he greets the Lieutenant when the man enters. He looks up from the book he still hasn’t managed to breach the first page of and stands up. “Here…have a seat.”

Hank shakes his head. “I don’t think I can, honestly.” He shoves his hands into his pockets and turns his attention to the unconscious Connor in the hospital bed. The minute Hank had gotten the call from Markus about Connor’s change in condition, he’d promised to come in. It hadn’t happened until this morning, but he’s here, and he looks absolutely miserable with despair.

Connor and Hank have a rather interesting history together. Connor had left his senior year in high school determined to go into the police academy and become a big-name detective. He’d gotten into some trouble early on in his high school years that had led to Hank searching his and his friends’ cars for drugs. They’d all come up clean, but Connor had known of Hank from seeing him on the news in middle school. He’d admired him ever since he’d learned that he’d managed to uncover an entire drug ring. He’d wanted to be like him for the longest time.

But halfway through the academy, Connor had started questioning his passion for criminal justice. Hank had been the first one to notice that Connor’s interests ventured elsewhere, and after a heated argument between the two, Hank had attempted to make peace with him by taking him to an aquarium he had taken his late son to in the process.

Hank had lost Cole not long after he’d hunted down that drug ring, in a car accident. The whole situation had been extremely unfortunate, and as a result of some pretty hefty malpractice, Hank had lost his son. Connor hadn’t exactly been a replacement for Cole, but Hank had definitely found that he’d gotten attached to the young man in a very familial way. He didn’t consider Connor another son, but he cared for him like one.

What happened to Cole is why it took Hank an entire night to convince himself to come to the hospital. Hospitals are traumatic to him. He’d confessed all of this to Markus last night. On top of that, he’d admitted that he’s terrified to see what Connor looks like all holed up in a hospital room rather than at the ice rink or the aquarium.

Markus knows that feeling all too well. The man in the bed may hold Connor’s physical features, but he looks nothing like the energetic young man who was constantly trying to go places and invite people around. Illness doesn’t suit Connor. It doesn’t suit anyone, but it _especially_ doesn’t suit Connor.

“I understand that,” Markus responds calmly. “Do you need some water? I can give the two of you some time alone—”

Hank holds up a hand. “I’m gonna need you to not start saying shit like that.”

Markus instantly feels guilty for those words, but he nods in understanding and steps back a little. He watches as Hank makes his way to Connor’s side, still standing, and reaches out to touch his forehead. As he brushes some of the greasy curls from Connor’s head, he sighs shakily. “You’re burning up, Con…”

Markus remembers experiencing that same thought just last night. While he’d touched Connor’s face and cried over how sickly he looked. He’s been by Connor’s side ever since he’d found out the news, so he’s seen Connor deteriorate more and more. Hank, on the other hand, is probably feeling something like a punch to the gut seeing Connor the way he is right now.

“Are they giving him something for his fever?” Hank questions. “Something to relax him?”

“Yeah, they are,” Markus responds. His throat feels tighter at the desperation in Hank’s words.

“Are they taking good care of him, Markus?” Hank looks like he could break down crying any minute, and Markus doesn’t think he’ll be able to take the sight.

Still, he nods his head. “They check on him regularly. They’re doing what they can to keep him comfortable.”

Hank’s shoulders slump there, and he shakes his head. “That’s good.” The tone in his voice suggests that he finds nothing good about this entire situation, but Markus gets it. He’s trying not to lose his damned mind, too.

“What was it they diagnosed him with again?” Hank suddenly asks, catching Markus off guard.

\--- --- --- --- ---

_At this point, Markus knows Connor is sick. He knows that whatever has his boyfriend suddenly very quiet and very angry and very anti-Markus is the fact that whatever news he got at the doctor’s office wasn’t good news. He’s making a point to avoid Markus now, and he has been for a solid week. He goes to spend time with Hank after work, no doubt because the man’s not going to bother asking questions. Some nights, he comes home drunk. Hank apologizes for him, but Markus shakes it off. He doesn’t have the heart to be bitter toward Connor for his current situation._

_Everyone handles things in their own way. For Connor, maybe it’s distancing himself from the one whose heart he’s going to break and drowning his sorrows in alcohol. So long as he isn’t overdoing it, Markus will give him the time he needs._

_But tonight is a bit of a different story. Connor doesn’t just come home drunk—he comes home wasted. Hank is so pissed off that he doesn’t meet Markus at the door with Connor as per usual. Instead, he calls upon Daniel, who offers to drive him to Markus’ place. When Markus opens the door, Daniel looks to be a bit irritated himself._

_He’s got Connor’s arm over his shoulder and his free arm around his friend’s waist as he glares up at Markus. Connor looks like he could pass out any minute._

_“He threw up on the way here,” Daniel grunts. “Get his ass cleaned up and make sure to let me know he didn’t fucking poison himself to death in the morning.”_

_Markus frowns. “How much did he drink?”_

_Daniel shakes his head. “Hank called me saying he found him outside of his house, halfway through a bottle of vodka. Only reason he didn’t take him to the hospital was because he begged him not to. Said to just bring him here. Hank was so pissed off that he wanted to arrest him for public intoxication.”_

_Connor doesn’t respond the entire time Markus and Daniel talk. He looks up at Markus, however, and the apology is obvious in his expression. He looks like he regrets his decision to drink so much, and Markus softens immediately upon seeing that._

_Eventually, Daniel transfers Connor to Markus, and after Markus promises him he’ll let him know how things go by morning, he closes the door and guides Connor to the restroom. He drops him down onto the toilet lid and grimaces._

_Connor smells like sweat and vomit. He’s pale and clammy, and in all honesty, he really does look like he needs to go to the hospital. Connor doesn’t drink enough for half a bottle of vodka to just get him drunk. He’s likely got alcohol poisoning, and that terrifies the hell out of Markus._

_He doesn’t even know how to approach him about it, either. Connor looks like he’s in and out of consciousness, his body slumping over sideways. If not for the small dividing wall between the shower and toilet, he would likely just topple into the tub._

_“You really should let me take you to a hospital,” Markus suggests, to which Connor shakes his head. It’s the pass-out drunk equivalent of a quick head shake, but it doesn’t amount to much when he can’t really figure out how to function properly._

_“I can’t go there,” Connor slurs. “I can’t go to the hospital.”_

_Markus moves to peel his boyfriend’s vomit-stained shirt from his body and then leans over to turn on the shower. “Are you going to tell me why?”_

_When Connor peers up at Markus, his eyes look more tired than normal. He looks sorry. No, he looks downright regretful. He knows he’s been keeping something from Markus, and chances are, he’s starting to realize how badly he feels for having done so._

_“In the morning,” Connor grunts. “I swear I’ll tell you in the morning. Right now, I—” his words are cut off by gagging, to which Markus responds quickly by grabbing the trash can and holding it up close. Connor heaves violently, but very little comes up. At this point, he’s likely just throwing up bile._

_“I need to lie down…” Connor chokes once he seems to be certain he’s not going to throw up anymore. He turns his gaze up to Markus. “I can’t shower tonight. Just…I want my bed.”_

_Markus hesitates, but eventually reaches over to turn the shower spray back off. He sighs in defeat and helps Connor back upright, directing him toward their bedroom. Once he has Connor there, he strips him down to his underwear and pulls the blankets over him. He disappears into the kitchen and grabs the trash can as well as a bottle of water._

_He’s in the process of propping Connor up on pillows and reaching for the water bottle on the bedside table when he hears it._

_At first, Markus thinks Connor’s about to be sick again, but when he turns to help direct Connor to the trash can, he sees that Connor has all-but curled in on himself. He’s got his knees pulled up to his chest and his hands are in fists, the palms of them covering both his eyes. He’s sobbing silently into his knees._

_Markus’ heart breaks at the sight. The water bottle in his hand lowers and he returns it to the bedside table, before he scoots in close and wraps his arms around Connor’s shoulders. It takes a solid two seconds for Connor to finally unfurl, before he throws his arms around Markus’ neck and buries his face in his shoulder._

_“I’m gonna die, Markus…”_

_\--- --- --- --- ---_

That night had been one of the roughest nights either of them had had. Connor hadn’t been coherent enough to explain everything in detail, but he had gotten out that he’d been given six months to a year to live, and that he wasn’t sure how to tell anyone. Apparently, Hank found out that night, which was why he was so upset. But much like with Markus, Connor had been too far gone in his vodka-induced stupor to explain the details.

Markus shakes his head. “I can’t even pronounce the name,” he responds sadly. “But they haven’t found a way to treat or cure it, yet. All Connor’s been doing the past year is managing his symptoms.”

Connor had explained it all the next day. Once his hangover had softened enough that he could talk himself out of bed, he and Markus had sat down in their living room and Connor had come clean about everything. He’d explained that he’d gone in for a cough and a fever and come out with a diagnosis for an immunodeficiency that would only get worse over time. He hadn’t contracted it—he’d been born with it, and it had been dormant up until very recently. Apparently, that’s how it strikes for all of those with the disease. And then, within a year, their organs are either too damaged or their immune system too compromised for them to survive. They’ll have spent their last year on so many different medications that they’re already too acclimated to them to protect themselves any longer.

Markus hadn’t allowed himself to break down in front of Connor. The man had been sad enough as it was that Markus couldn’t imagine how guilty he felt for having to deliver such bad news to the man he’d planned on spending his life with.

Markus had been on the verge of proposing to Connor. He’d been devising a plan involving all of their family and friends to give him the most shocking, best moment of his life. He would have continued planning that until he’d had it all figured out, but once Connor’s life had been given an expiration date, he had known he had to expedite it.

\--- --- --- --- ---

_Connor’s love for aquariums is no big secret. It’s quite honestly his favorite thing in the world. That one trip to the aquarium by Hank had introduced him to his calling, and he had seized it with open arms. It’s only natural that it’s going to be the place where Markus asks him to spend the rest of his life with him._

_The plan had initially been simple. Markus had enlisted in the help of everyone from their family and friends to Connor’s coworkers. He’d lead him on a tour through his own aquarium as per normal, and then he’d stop him at his favorite room and get down on one knee. Everyone would be watching. It’d be the most glorious moment of both their lives._

_But following Connor’s diagnosis, it’s not quite that easy. He decides he wants to keep working until he physically can’t anymore, and Markus respects that. Seeing him continue doing what he loves helps to push him back a little closer to something resembling happiness. But with Markus grieving him already, he can only imagine how much Connor is suffering on the inside knowing he doesn’t have much longer._

_Markus has to act more quickly than he’d initially planned, so he calls up Chloe (one of Connor’s coworkers) and requests his work schedule. They manage to find one of his days off and plan the big day for that day._

_Connor doesn’t understand why he’s being toured through his workplace on his day off, but as is his usual mentality about things, he goes with the flow. He quietly lets Markus reintroduce him to the jellyfish and the tiny sharks and the horseshoe crabs. He’s got his hands folded behind his back as they’re edging toward one of the last rooms on the tour. It’s called the Shark Room, but there are other fish inside the tanks. It’s a big, dome-like area where you can see most of the aquarium around and above you. All of the sea life makes itself known there. It’s honestly no wonder Connor loves it so much._

_“Why are you touring my job with me on my day off?” Connor finally asks as they walk. Markus notices that his skin is a little more pale and his gait a bit more practiced, though he doesn’t mention that._

_“A couple of different reasons, actually,” Markus replies as they draw closer. The room is huge in comparison to the others, so it can be seen quite a ways in the distance. “For one, I know you love this place almost as much as you love me.”_

_“You’re sure giving yourself a lot of credit,” Connor teases, and Markus scoffs, mocking offense._

_“Tell me you don’t love me more than your marine life.”_

_Connor outright laughs. “I never said that! Anyway, second reason!”_

_It’s nice to hear that playful lilt in Connor’s voice again. For the couple of weeks following his diagnosis, Connor had been far less cheerful. He had started out despondent and grouchy, but had eventually just become quiet and a little bit secluded. But lately, he’s been warmer and more welcoming. Perhaps he’s starting to come to terms with things. And if that’s the case, Markus admires the hell out of him. He isn’t sure he could get back on his feet so quickly, let alone at all._

_Either way, he stops when they enter the shark room. His gaze is fixed ahead of him as he speaks. “The second reason is just because I wanted to remind you just how much there is that you can enjoy about your life. I think it’s easier to do so if I surround you by all the things you enjoy. These big sharks—your favorite sea animals—and the tinkling, mysterious aquarium theme music…a whole other world that you live in that I honestly believe has helped you get through the past month or so…these are all important to you.”_

_Connor frowns. “You’re doing the hopeless romantic thing again, aren’t you?”_

_Markus shrugs and then turns to face Connor. “I think maybe I am, yeah. But I also just really don’t want you to think your diagnosis is all there is to you. There’s this adventurous, happy, easygoing guy who’s the worst at hiding his passions from anyone at all, even someone he hates. There’s this person who knows how to reach into a bad place and pull out a good situation no matter what. And then, there’s the man who turned my life on its head in the best way possible.”_

_The room dims there, and Markus turns to face Connor fully. He’s scared out of his mind right now, but he needs this. He needs it and he knows that Connor needs it too. That in mind, he somehow manages a big, warm smile as he approaches._

_“I love you, Connor. I love you more than you’ll ever know, because I haven’t got the slightest clue how to go about expressing it properly. But I do know that this isn’t it for us.” He shakes his head. The words could mean a whole different array of things, but Markus knows inherently what he’s saying. Either way, he moves to stand directly in front of Connor and drops to one knee._

_If Connor’s looking around him, he’ll see that people are watching from both ends of the Shark Room. North even has her phone on and is filming it. But right now, it looks to Markus like Connor’s attention is solely on him._

_He immediately draws a hand up and covers his mouth with it, his brow furrowing as Markus continues speaking._

_“I don’t care how long or short it’s going to be, Connor. I want you to spend the rest of your life with me. I want to make you happy. I want to be by your side, to hold your hand or take you into my arms any time you may need me. So please, Connor…” He swallows thickly and turns his gaze up to his boyfriend once more. “Marry me?”_

_Connor is crying, now. He’s got both hands cupped over his mouth, and Markus watches as he drops to his knees and doubles over. He’s sobbing relentlessly as he wails out a high-pitched, “Markus!”_

_For a split second, Markus feels as if he’s done something very wrong. Maybe proposing to Connor hadn’t been the right step to take. Maybe giving him any sort of commitment hadn’t been the direction he’d needed to go into. It’s possible he’s just gone and make things that much more overwhelming for the guy._

_But then, Connor surprises him. He shoots back upright and throws both arms around Markus, sobbing into his neck. “Yes, stupid! I’ll marry you!”_

_It almost feels like he hasn’t fallen ill for a second. Like Markus had had all the time he’d needed and been able to plan this more thoroughly. Like they’re going to get married and grow old together, and Connor’s terminal illness isn’t going to cut all of that down to a year or less._

_They both know that isn’t the case, but right now, it doesn’t matter. In the wake of what is a very emotional moment, Markus finds that Connor’s cries have moved him to tears as well._

_\--- --- --- --- ---_

Hank doesn’t stay for long. Markus understands why. He begs Markus to call him when Connor draws closer so that he can say goodbye, but he’s eager to get out of the room for now. Moments later, Daniel enters the room and takes the seat Hank wouldn’t take. He pulls his feet up onto it, knees bent, as he holds his best friend’s hand. His head is all leaned up against the big plastic bedrail with the remote and call button on it, as he sifts through television channels. He peers up at Markus.

“I’ll stay here for a while if you need to go get some fresh air.”

Markus shakes his head. “I can’t. I tried that already, and I damn near threw up.”

Daniel frowns. “When’s the last time you slept?”

Again, Markus shakes his head. He doesn’t have a response for that one. Or rather, he doesn’t think any he gives is going to be good enough. How in the hell is he supposed to get any substantial sleep right now?

“ _Markus_.” Daniel narrows his eyes. “Seriously, man. Even if you gotta go to the lobby to do it—go take a fucking nap.”

“I can’t.” Markus hates how he practically has to choke out that statement. “I close my eyes, and then I think I’m going to miss some big change and not get to—”

“You know full-well I’ll call your ass if something changes.” Daniel sneers, sitting upright. He gestures to Connor with his head. “You think he wants you killing yourself over lack of sleep worrying about him? Go get some fucking sleep, Markus.”

Daniel’s words are cold, but he’s always been that way. He lost both his parents at a young age, and he’s worked in the medical field for years. He’s seen more death than anyone else in his circle of friends combined. His outlook on life and death is very blunt and to the point. Markus saw him cry the minute he found out Connor was dying, and he’s been stony ever since. People die. He’s just come to accept that.

This person just happens to be his best friend.

But he’s right, and Markus knows he’s not going to back down, so he very reluctantly leaves the room and heads for the cafeteria. Perhaps a drink and a light snack will help lull him to sleep. It’s doubtful, considering he has enough trouble sleeping when his husband’s _not_ on his deathbed, but he’s got to try something. There’s no way Daniel’s letting him back into Connor’s room if he doesn’t.

He buys a pack of peanuts and a bottle of juice and then makes his way out to the lobby. The receptionist, a very kind-hearted woman who has seen Connor and Markus many times at this point, greets him with a sad smile.

“It’s about time you left that room, Markus,” she tells him, and he shakes his head again.

“It’s good to see you too, Rose,” Markus replies around a very weak scoff. He makes his way to the desk and extends his purchases out to her. “I brought you a snack.”

Rose sighs, shaking her head. “When’s the last time you ate?”

Markus doesn’t answer, and with that response (or rather, lack thereof), Rose gently shoves the food back toward Markus. “I know you’re not hungry, but you have to keep your strength up. You’ve got a very long road ahead of you, Markus, and you’re going to need the energy whether you realize it or not.”

Markus knows the road she’s talking about. He went down a very similar road when Carl died. He had had to make funeral plans, and he’d had to arrange for his cremation. He’d had to pay off a great many expenses, and deal with a great many people. And following that, he’d had to find some time to recover from losing a man who was very much his own father.

And now, he’s going to have to do that with his husband. Markus’ throat is tight just thinking about it. He just knows that the instant he puts any of that food in his mouth, he’s going to want to throw it right back up.

But he does get where Rose is coming from. He sighs, taking both items, and moves to grab a lobby chair. He drags it to the desk where Rose is sitting and plops it down on the ground near her desk. “I’m spending this time with you.”

Rose just smiles at him. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

\--- --- --- --- ---

_There’s nothing quite like getting married. The big day becomes everything. You spend the entire time planning and stressing and diverting expenses every which way. You align everything from who is going to sit at which table and what songs are going to be played at the reception. You pick songs for the ceremony, and you write your vows, and you dwell and stress and dwell and stress until you think you’re going to lose your damned mind._

_And then, the person you’re about to marry comes walking down that aisle and none of it matters. All the money you spent suddenly becomes worth it. You see them in their wedding outfit, looking soft and sweet and as damned beautiful as can be, and everything is perfect. Exchanging those vows, sharing that kiss, wearing those rings…the gestures are so small and insignificant in nature, but when they actually happen, they change your entire life._

_Even years after Connor’s illness has taken him…years after he’s gone, Markus is never going to forget these moments. He’s never going to forget marrying Connor, and he’s never going to forget driving away after. He’s never going to forget arriving at that beach house on that first night and making love to Connor like he was never going to get to again._

_Following that night is a sunny, bright morning. The kind of morning featured in happy, cheery cartoons. The light peers in through the curtains, greeting Markus into consciousness. He opens his eyes to see Connor lying awake next to him. He’s pale, but he doesn’t look like he’s feeling particularly bad today._

_He smiles widely, leaning in to kiss Markus’ lips. “Good morning.”_

_The kiss warms Markus right down to his core, and he melts at the feeling. He raises a hand up to cup the side of his new husband’s face. He too steals a kiss from Connor’s lips. “How’d you sleep?”_

_“Like a bump on a log,” Connor replies sofly. He makes himself a little more comfortable by tucking his arm under his pillow and facing Markus fully. “Yesterday was a long day, but you made it all better. Today, I want to lay in bed all day and watch television…”_

_Markus laughs softly. The thing is, his initial plan was to ask Connor what exactly he wanted to do for the day. Be that going surfing or shopping or yeah, lying in bed all day and watching television, he’s going to find some way to give him exactly what he wants. They’ve got a whole two weeks to themselves, and Markus is going to make sure they do everything Connor wants to do before they come back home._

_And then once they’re home, Markus is going to settle down and live a married life with his husband, clear until the time comes. They are going to be happy, regardless of Connor’s impending death sentence. According to the doctors, he’s responding well to the meds he’s taking for the symptoms, so they’re cautiously optimistic that he may get to a full year._

_Connor already has some of the symptoms. He’s got a cough that doesn’t ever go away, and he spikes fevers easily as his body tries desperately to fight off infection. He’s more tired than usual, and when he gets sick, he gets really sick._

_But right now, he seems to be doing okay._

_That in mind, Markus leans over him and presses a kiss to his forehead, before he sits upright and moves to the edge of the bed. “It’s a date then, babe. I’ll go make us some breakfast and then we can spend all day in bed, just the two of us.” He smiles softly as he stands up. “If you’ve got anything special you want to do while we’re out here, I’d suggest you think about that too. I’ll make it happen, I promise.”_

_The thing is, Markus wants to give Connor a chance to not have to think about anything. He wants to give Connor a chance to live his life to the fullest—to knock things off his bucket list. He wants to give him a chance to not have to think about work or bills. He wants, when Connor finally reaches that point that they all know is coming, for him to feel like he’s lived a good, fulfilling life. He wants Connor to have a whole onslaught of pleasant memories to think about in his inevitable passing._

_That’s what it boils down to._

_And for someone who hadn’t really paid much mind to Connor’s wants so much as his needs up until his diagnosis, Markus figures that’s the least he can do._

_\--- --- --- --- ---_

Markus awakens to his phone ringing, and his heart damn near leaps out of his chest. The ‘I knew it’ lingers right in the back of his mind, because only when he stepped out of the room would something go wrong and Connor go downhill. God, what if he’s dead already and Markus didn’t get to say goodbye?

He’s panicking so much that he doesn’t even look at the name on the screen when he answers the call.

_“Hey, are you at the hospital?”_

Oh, it’s North. Markus relaxes considerably when he hears his friend’s voice. She and Simon and Josh had come to visit Connor not long after he had fallen unconscious, and she’d told him to call if he needed anything. The simple fact that he hasn’t called in a day is probably worrying her. Markus doesn’t blame her—he’d probably be the same way if the shoe were on the other foot.

Not that he’d ever wish for something to happen to Chloe like what Connor is going through.

He sighs and sits back in his seat, letting his eyes fall shut. “Yeah. What’s up?”

_“I was just going to tell you that Nines called Chloe just now. He finally reached the States.”_

Right. Nines. Connor’s twin brother. He’s been living in the UK during his studies, and the instant he had gotten word of Connor’s worsening condition, he had jumped on a plane. Markus and Nines haven’t really spent much time together, so this whole thing is about to be pretty surreal.

_“He’s supposed to have boarded his connection to Detroit a couple of hours ago, so be on the lookout for him,”_ North continues. _“Do you need anything?”_

Markus glances over at the desk. Rose is nowhere to be seen. She probably got called away somewhere. Or maybe she’s off for the evening. How long was Markus out? “No…I’m fine.”

He hears North hesitate over the phone. _“Are you sure? I can tell when you’re bullshitting me, Markus.”_

Is Markus bullshitting her? He doesn’t think that he is, but Daniel and Rose both also accused him of bullshitting them. He’s definitely not trying to. His mind is just on a lot right now. He sighs over the phone. “No, North. Listen, if I need something, you’ll be the first one I call, okay?”

North mirrors his sigh. _“…Fine. But I’m going to hold you to that. Anyway, how’s Connor? Ugh, I mean, aside from the obvious?”_

Markus hesitates. He doesn’t like that question. He had thought he’d been prepared for this situation, but as more and more people express concern for his situation, he feels less and less so. “He’s about the same. His respirations are down a few a minute, but he’s still alive.”

North sighs yet again, and there’s a long pause, before Markus hears a hitch in breathing over the phone. His stomach sinks. North doesn’t cry often. When she does, it’s the most heartbreaking thing. Markus feels like crying with her on principle.

_“I’m so sorry, Markus…I wish there was something I could do.”_

Markus has been there. Not for North, but for Connor. When Amanda had passed away, Connor had possessed a lot of mixed feelings about his relationship with her. She was his mother, and had been ever since she had adopted him, and the two of them loved each other, but their relationship had grown pretty rocky once Connor had left the academy in favor of working at the aquarium. But their disagreement hadn’t been so severe and hateful that Connor would have wanted her dead. So naturally, when it had become obvious that she wasn’t going to be alive much longer, he had taken it pretty rough.

And Markus had watched from the sidelines. And he too, in wishing that there was something he could do to quell the despair Connor had felt, had found himself crying.

“You’ve done a lot, North,” he manages shakily. “I seriously can’t thank you enough for stubbornly being there for me. Just…let me get back with you later on, okay?”

North pauses over the phone, before she sniffles loudly and then mutters a shaky _“Uh-huh,”_ over the phone.

“Thank you,” Markus replies as he stands up. “Anyway, I’ll call you later, okay? I love you.”

_“I love you too. Bye, Markus.”_

Markus hates that word right now. ‘Bye’ sounds so much more permanent when you’re in a hospital. Connor isn’t just leaving for work this time. He isn’t just going over to Hank’s or to hang out with Daniel. Once Markus says goodbye to Connor here, it’s for good. Once he says goodbye, he’s never going to see his husband again.

It aches so severely that Markus drops right back into his seat and raises a hand up to his chest. Heartache is real. It’s a dull, throbbing ache that settles in your chest and makes your stomach and everything around it feel sick. He hates the feeling. He knows he can’t avoid it, but god, he wishes it would pass.

For now, though, he gets to his feet again and starts for the elevator. The peanuts and juice are left untouched on the desk for Rose, in the event that she’s still here.

\--- --- --- --- ---

_The look of wonder on Connor’s face makes this entire trip worth it. Seeing him beneath the clear blue water, his eyes wide with excitement, as he peers around him, is everything to Markus._

_Of course, Connor would want to swim with the marine life here. Of course, he would want to go snorkeling and see everything that lived out here. It was like going to the aquarium, except Connor was actually immersed in the real deal. These animals had never seen a glass bowl in their lives._

_Connor is like almost like a kid right now. His eyes are wide with amazement, and he stays as long as the snorkeling instructor will let him. Following being told their time is up, Connor has question after question for said instructor. Begs him to let him have just five more minutes under the water. He’s so excited and bubbly and eager that Markus can’t possibly get enough of the sight. He hasn’t seen this same youthful excitement on Connor’s face since he’d initially discovered his love for sea life._

_He manages to convince the instructor to include him in the next time slot, with another group, and Markus joins him yet again. He doesn’t mind. He enjoys the snorkeling himself, and with the way Connor is behaving, it’s almost like he isn’t sick. It’s almost like he’s not going to die in less than a year. He doesn’t look pale underneath the water, because it paints different lights and shadows and reflections all over his face instead. He can’t frown because the mouthpiece has him occupied. His eyes are too full of wonder to be sad and despondent._

_And most of all, Markus truly believes that in this moment, Connor is genuinely happy._

_It’s a good two hours later when they’re finally returning to dry land and heading for their beach house to get changed. They’re going out for dinner at a nearby restaurant. Plus, they need to wash the salt from their skin before it dries out and becomes painful. They decide to hop into the shower together to save time and, you know, enjoy one another’s company._

_Markus doesn’t care that Connor’s skin tastes like saltwater. As he strips naked and curls an arm around his new husband’s waist from behind, he presses kisses to the skin at the junction of his neck and shoulder, and Connor hums pleasantly in response. Markus feels him bring a hand up to run it along his short hair._

_It isn’t sexual—it’s languid. The slow kissing along Connor’s neck, and the way Connor’s hands are freely exploring Markus’ skin as he tips his head and leans back against his shoulder. How they finally make eye contact and can’t keep their affections to themselves, so they wind up kissing slowly right beneath that shower spray._

_Connor pulls back abruptly and chokes when water manages to find its way into his nose. He coughs for a minute, and then he laughs, and then he hiccups and coughs again. Once he regains his breath, he turns his attention up to Markus and smiles softly._

_“I know what you’re doing,” he says as he turns and seeks out the shampoo. “And you’re a good man for it. Trying to give me everything I want before I can’t have it anymore.” His expression is a little sad as he works the soap into a lather in his own hair. “And you’re also incredibly strong for it. I don’t know what I would do if I were in your position.”_

_Markus shakes his head. “Don’t give me too much credit. I’m doing this as much for myself as I am for you.” And he means it. There are going to be days when Markus doesn’t think he can go on any longer, and remembering that big smile underwater or the way Connor had excitedly begged for more time snorkeling are going to be some of the only things that are going to keep him on his feet. He’s not ready for what’s coming, but the least he can do is give them both something to hold on to._

_Connor just smiles more broadly there, before he moves to stand beneath the shower spray. “I love you.”_

_“I love you too.”_

\--- --- --- --- ---

Markus remembers that entire vacation. He remembers all those late mornings turned late afternoons turned late evenings, where neither of them emerged from their bed unless they absolutely had to. He remembers snorkeling and surfing and long walks on the beach. He remembers laughing in the shower and having a pillow fight and then curling up together and touching one another’s face until they both fell asleep.

He remembers seeing Connor, on that last morning before their flight back to Detroit, cough up blood for the first time. How Connor had managed to smile after staring at the blood and mucus in the tissue in his hand was beyond him.

Markus had already known the worst was yet to come, but he couldn’t help but be fearful.

Nothing’s ever going to prepare him for what’s going to happen within the next couple of nights.

The elevator dings there to let Markus out and back onto Connor’s floor. He uses muscle memory to carry him down the hall and around the corner to Connor’s room. He’s moving so mindlessly that he doesn’t see the scene playing out before him until he’s damn near tripping over it.

There’s a cart with a bunch of tools wrapped in plastic. Big, plastic buckets with measurements on them, suctioning tools…Markus can hear the machine running faintly from inside the room.

Outside of the door stands Daniel, who is typing frantically on his phone until he looks up and sees Markus. He immediately lowers his phone and turns a desperate expression up to him. “I was just about to call you—it happened suddenly.”

Markus knows this scene all too well. They’d had to suction his father many times as he drew closer to death. His stomach drops violently at the thought that Connor is reaching that same point.

Daniel shakes his head. Markus can tell he’s panicking. “His breathing got rattly, so I put his call light on. I-I didn’t realize how big a deal it was until they went to running that machine. Markus, I’m so sorry, I’d have called sooner, but—”

Markus raises a hand to silence him. “It’s okay, Daniel.” Despite his reassurance, he feels sick to his stomach. “This is just a part of it. Are you okay?”

The question is a legitimate one. Daniel is visibly pale and the panic is obvious in his expression. When Markus questions him, he draws his gaze downward. “I…I dunno, man. That’s my _best friend_ they’re in there with…”

Markus hesitates there. He had earlier credited Daniel for having such a realistic view on death as he had. He knows Daniel has seen one of these machines at work before, but suddenly hearing that it’s going to be used on your best friend…yeah, no, Markus gets it. It really _is_ something of a reality check. And to be quite honest, while Markus can tell himself over and over that he knows Connor isn’t going to be around much longer, it’s still extremely difficult to process.

He probably won’t acknowledge it until long after it’s happened.

But right now, he needs to get Daniel as far away from his impending panic attack as possible. That in mind, he guides him to the nearby waiting area, where there is seating, and fixes him a glass of water. He takes a seat next to him and extends the cup his way. His expression is the best attempt he can get at reassuring while he’s about to come undone, himself.

“It’s not easy to see that,” Markus explains, slumping his own shoulders. “I tried to stay in the room the first time they did that to Dad, but it scared me so badly that I nearly blacked out. But one of the nurses guided me out of the room and told me something that helped a lot.”

Daniel turns his gaze up to Markus. His eyes look a little glassy.

Markus continues speaking. “She explained that they’re doing it to make him more comfortable. When people start rattling like that, they’re essentially suffocating. The treatment looks cruel and painful, but it’s helping him to suffer a little less while he passes.”

Daniel knots his hands up into his fists and glares off to the side. “You don’t think I know that? I’ve done end of life care before, Markus.” He’s shaking, Markus notices. “But that’s _Connor._ Why aren’t _you_ more upset about it? You’re supposed to be the love of his life.”

Markus knows those words are being spoken defensively above all else, so he doesn’t take them personally. Instead, he sighs and nods his head slowly. “I love him more than anything in the world, Daniel. And to be completely honest with you, I’m a wreck. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I damn near have an anxiety attack every time my phone rings when I’m not in the room with Connor. I don’t want this any more than you do, trust me. But I’m trying to be strong right now because his _best friend_ is also suffering.”

Daniel sighs shakily, drawing his gaze back up to Markus’. He lets his eyes fall shut for a second, before he shrugs his shoulders. “I’m sorry. I-I just…god, why him? What the fuck did he do wrong?”

And that question is precisely why Markus can’t even begin to fathom there’s a reason for all of this. Put quite simply, “Bad things happen to good people just as often as they happen to bad people.” Markus shakes his head. “Questioning it isn’t going to stop what’s happening, so it’s pointless.”

Daniel pulls his legs up on the waiting room chair and practically curls up onto it. Like a child, he reaches a hand up and wipes at his eyes with the top of his forearm. “That doesn’t make it any more fair.”

To be completely honest, Markus couldn’t agree more. But as he’s about to say so, a nurse pokes her head into the waiting area once more, smiling solemnly at Markus and Daniel.

“He’s resting again, if you’d like to come back inside.”

\--- --- --- --- ---

_Doctor’s appointments following Connor’s diagnosis are always scary. Markus has promised to attend every single one of them with Connor, and he has made good on every single one. Connor is blood-tested, x-rayed, measured and weighed every single time. The doctor makes casual conversation with them both as he works, effectively lightening the mood._

_Most times, he evaluates how the meds are affecting the progression of Connor’s disease. Most times, it’s with cautious optimism that he tells them it looks like the illness isn’t getting any more aggressive. Connor is still hurling up everything he eats on bad days and coughing up blood on good ones, but he’s not experiencing any further symptoms just yet._

_Today isn’t a good day. Connor has about him a sickly complexion, with the dark circles under his eyes more pronounced than usual and his breathing just a little ragged. This isn’t the first time Markus has seen him like this, and he usually bounces back and resembles a somewhat healthier person by the next day, but in the wake of another doctor’s appointment, he’s as down emotionally as he is physically._

_Markus helps him into the car and then climbs into the driver’s seat himself. He starts the engine, but he can’t bring himself to back out of the parking lot just yet. Connor hasn’t buckled himself in, and when Markus glances over to ask him to do so, he sees that the other man is staring off into space. He’s lost in thought, his mouth hanging open a little, his eyes half-lidded._

_He’s always been good about trying to keep his chin up after every appointment, but right now, he looks the polar opposite of okay._

_“Connor?”_

_Connor shakes his head. “I should be thankful…I think.” His voice is as thoughtful as it is shaky. “Every time we’ve come here, Doctor Kamski has told us that it looks like I’m going to get to a year, maybe longer. Talks like I should be happy, or even grateful. But…” Almost instantly, his eyes well up and he hiccups, following it with a sickly cough. “It doesn’t do away with the fact that I’m still going to die.”_

_Markus hates seeing Connor this way. He hates it more than he hates knowing that Connor is very sick, because it means that he himself is starting to give up. Then again, can they even really call what they’ve been doing fighting anyway?_

_“Connor…” Markus swallows thickly. “Don’t talk like that.”_

_“You know what?” Connor rounds on Markus suddenly, his expression a little manic. “No, Markus. I’m done not talking like that. I’m done tiptoeing around the fact that contrary to my doctor’s glass-half-full mentality, the glass isn’t getting any fuller and I’m not getting any better. We both knew that was a fact before we even started treatment, and I’m tired of pretending we’re not just postponing my own goddamned death sentence.”_

_His words die off there, and Markus finds he doesn’t have it in him to retort. Connor has every reason to be angry or frustrated or full of disdain. And Markus can see it from the outside all he wants to, but he doesn’t know what Connor’s illness feels like._

_Connor has broken down completely into sobs at this point, though. Nearly doubled over in his seat, he’s weeping openly, his breathing sickly and ragged. The sobs die off into coughs, and then he’s right back to crying. And at this point, Markus knows better than to reach out and try to console him. Right now, it’s the best thing he can do to sit there and let Connor have his moment. To let him get this off his chest._

_And he does. When his cries die off into hiccups and he blows his nose into a tissue, he looks back up at Markus and shakes his head yet again. “I’m tired, Markus,” he says, wringing the tissue in his hands as he speaks. “I’m so sorry that you have to hear me say that, but I’m done prolonging my life. I’ve passed the six-month mark and it’s already hard to walk some days without running out of breath. Sometimes, my skin is sensitive to the touch. It’s only going to get worse. I think it’s about time I stop thinking about how I’m going to make my life as long as possible and worry more about making the last bits of it I have left peaceful ones.”_

_And then, much to Markus’ own despair, he finally lets spill the words he’s been afraid of all this time:_

_“I’m quitting my job.”_

\--- --- --- --- ---

Back in Connor’s room, things are tense. Nines arrived not half an hour after they’d brought in the suction machine, and now, he and Markus and Daniel are sitting in the room together. Daniel has the USA channel playing, though none of them are actually listening to it. Nines is on one side of Connor’s bed, while Markus is on the other.

Markus knew that once they started suctioning, it meant Connor was worse, but seeing the physical signs is so much harder than he’d mentally prepared himself for. He’s gone from gray to almost a sickly green color—the nurse has explained to him it’s from jaundice, as Connor’s liver is shutting down. They’re giving him maybe another night at most.

Had Markus known he’d have been told he would only have one more night with his husband one day, he’d have made every last moment of their shared lives together count from the very beginning. He’d never have taken anything they had for granted. He’d have gotten frustrated and angry with Connor less and thanked him for all his quirks more. He’d have _definitely_ gone to the ice rink far more often.

He’s thinking all of these things as Connor’s body shivers with fever and pulses from how sharply he’s breathing. His eyes are closed, but he doesn’t look peaceful. He’s on enough morphine to keep him comfortable, but he still looks to be in so much pain. Markus has no idea how aware of himself Connor is right now. Comatose, unresponsive, whatever, Markus can only imagine how scared he must be.

People all take life for granted. And Connor Manfred, who loved life with every ounce of his being, had to be the one to open Markus’ eyes about it. This hurts so much that he doesn’t know what to do with himself.

He’s petrified and in emotional pain as Nines droops down over his brother’s forehead and starts to weep. Daniel dismisses himself to the restroom because he feels sick. And Markus is just left standing there. His throat is in the kind of pain you get when you’ve been crying for a long time and your body is just exhausted from doing so. His head hurts as if he’s done nothing but sob the day away. His body is frozen to the spot as he stands and watches the display before him.

But he doesn’t move. He’s afraid that if he does, time is going to keep going and Connor really is going to slip away for good. The entire hospital room doesn’t feel like a hospital room anymore. It feels like a prison. Dark and cold and unwelcoming, and Markus can’t do anything to escape. If he leaves, that’s it. It’s all over.

But how in the hell is he supposed to say goodbye when he can’t even put one foot in front of the other?

\--- --- --- --- ---

_When it finally happens, Markus isn’t ready._

_Connor has done a fantastic job of coming to terms with his own decision. He stays at home, and on his good days, he cooks. On his bad days, he waits for Markus to get home and begs him to come to bed with him. Some days, Markus doesn’t eat because he wants more to crawl into bed with Connor than to linger out in the living room or kitchen by himself._

_Connor has grown so weak over the past couple of months that the bed is often his location of choice. Markus helps him about the house to avoid sores, but more often than not, he’s in bed with a book in his hands or the television on. He’ll come home and make sure Connor has eaten something, and then he’ll lie down in bed with him and read alongside him. He’s never finished any of the books Connor has read, but the excerpts he gets are interesting._

_Today, however, the house is skin-pricklingly silent when Markus comes home. Normally, he gets a response when he greets Connor, but this time, there’s nothing._

_Not unexpectedly, Markus immediately fears the worst. He drops his bag at the door and beelines for the bedroom. The bed is unoccupied, but the bathroom light is on. Markus makes his way briskly to the bathroom, where he finds the most terrifying sight he’s ever seen in his entire life all laid out over the bathroom floor._

_Connor is slumped over, trying to hold himself upright with a shaky grip on the tub. It looks like he’s attempted to make it to the restroom in time to be sick, but he missed. And there’s blood…so much blood. It’s on the toilet and the floor and dribbling from Connor’s mouth as he turns his head up and peers at Markus. His eyes look like they’re about to roll back into his skull, and Markus instantly drops to his knees to help support him._

_As Markus fumbles in his pocket for his phone, Connor tries through his own serrated breathing to explain. “I…I can’t walk. Markus, I’m scared.”_

_He genuinely does sound scared, too. His body feels cool and yet hot at the same time, and Markus isn’t sure what else to do other than to call an ambulance. He’s on the phone with them as he helps Connor to his feet and guides him to the bed. And when he finally hangs up and turns his attention to Connor, he almost breaks down and cries._

_Connor looks downright frightened. His eyes are wide, darting back and forth from the ceiling to Markus to the walls to Markus and back to the ceiling. His breathing is strained and tense, as if every inhale and exhale is a struggle._

_“Markus…” he manages around a broken, ragged sob, “I think I’m dying.”_

_\--- --- --- --- ---_

When Connor slips away, it isn’t after everyone has had a chance to say goodbye. Markus and Daniel and Nines have made a point to stay by his side the entire time, but everyone else arrives too late. Hank comes in just minutes after the doctor has pronounced him dead, and North and Simon and Josh arrive an hour following that. The hospital staff have told them to take all the time they need to react.

Markus is numb. Even though he knows for a fact he watched Connor take his last breath, he doesn’t remember what it looked like. Even though he had cried so hard he’d made himself sick, he can’t remember weeping. And even though the people gathered in the room are sniffling and crying and telling Connor’s body how much they loved him, Markus can’t hear a thing. His ears are ringing. His head feels foggy. He thinks for a second that it would be convenient if he passed out, but he knows he won’t.

Kara pulls him into a hug that he can’t actually feel, and he goes through the motions of hugging her back. Daniel tries to lighten the mood by telling stories about he and Connor’s escapades back in high school. Some people in the room laugh, but Markus can barely hear them over the roaring in his eardrums.

Long after they’ve all left, Markus finally tells the nurse that she can call the funeral home. He waits in silence with Connor for them to arrive. Thinks about everything that’s happened in the past year. Remembers how Connor had processed everything.

Markus remembers doing a study on the stages of dying before, but when he thinks about Connor or even Carl, he doesn’t think either of them ever really went through those stages. Connor had encountered a couple of them, but he hadn’t followed through them as fluidly as the teachings had implied he would.

He supposes that’s because life (and death, apparently) doesn’t operate by the book. Everyone’s experience is different, and whether you’re a good person or a bad person, reality has its ways of making itself known.

Markus still doesn’t understand. He’s going to continue questioning why Connor of all people would fall victim to something as cruel as this for probably years. He’s never going to be able to wrap his head around it. It’s never going to go away.

When the funeral home arrives, Markus finally dials North’s number.

\--- --- --- --- ---

A month after Connor had quit his job, he had discussed his wishes with Markus. How he wanted to be cremated, and how he didn’t want a big fancy ceremony. He wanted to be remembered, but he didn’t want to be publicly mourned.

So his memorial is extremely private. It’s kept between just Markus and his friends and Connor’s family and friends. Less than twenty people gather in a room and just talk about Connor. It’s less grieving the loss of a very, _very_ loved one and more talking about who he was while he was alive.

Markus isn’t okay. He doubts he will be for a very long time. But he attends the service anyway. Clad in a black suit, with his friends constantly at his side touching his back or shoulder, he’s there. He joins in on the stories, and he carries on about how Connor would bring home stuffed marine animals for him to collect from his job. He remembers Connor, and he weeps over him.

But he’s not okay.

Who is after something like this, though? Markus very much remembers not being okay after losing Carl, and Connor was very much not okay after losing Amanda. A death is a very serious, very misunderstood event that affects people on such traumatic levels that they’re afraid to hear about it in stories or see it happen to fictional characters in movies.

So to encounter it in real life, with a real person you very much care about…it’s something you need time to process.

At the same time, Markus knows that he will get better as time passes. He’s not completely alone. North and Josh and Simon and even Hank and Daniel are there for him. They’re all there for each other, honestly. The simple fact of the matter is that life keeps moving even when someone dies. The clock doesn’t stop for anyone. The earth continues spinning, and the years continue passing.

While Markus can’t remember it for the life of him right now, he thinks that Connor was probably the one to tell him that. Probably all in the same breath as telling him not to get hung up on losing him after he dies.

Markus isn’t sure how he’s going to uphold that last one, but he knows that he has to keep going.

Connor doesn’t have a casket, but he does have a headstone. After the memorial, Markus goes to visit it. It’s tucked away in the very back of the cemetery, next to an extravagant building not unlike a mausoleum. But it still makes a statement. Even Connor’s headstone reminds Markus of him. The quirky guy who had fancied himself uninteresting still makes himself known next to a giant structure.

Markus is proud of that fact. As he crouches down next to the headstone and begins to tell Connor how much he already misses him, he’s still proud.

He’s still in love.

He’s still married.

None of that is going to go away, even when time comes to take Markus from this earth, too. And much like he had told himself he would, he finds himself still able to remember the way Connor had lit up underwater when they’d gone snorkeling, as well as how damned gorgeous he had been when he’d walked down the aisle on their wedding day.

And it’s more than just that, too. It’s Connor asking him out for the first time, and Connor giving him his virginity. It’s the look on Connor’s face when Markus has proposed to him.

He hates that he’d had to lose Connor, but he doesn’t for even a split second regret having ever met him.

**Author's Note:**

> a lot of you may be wondering about the very end. why i would fly through the dying process as quickly as i did, and why it ended so abruptly.
> 
> to put it quite simply: personal experience. once someone is gone, that's it. i've stood in hospital rooms and realized that there's nothing more once that's happened. differentiating between corpse and soul is mind-numbing, and the disassociation is real.
> 
> or at least, that's what i gathered. make of it what you will, but in any case, i hope you've enjoyed the read.


End file.
